Last year, President Donald J. Trump announced CRAP - the Canadian Resources Acquisition Project - designed to obtain water from Canada. Today, he turned his focus to the southern anchor of NAFTA, Mexico, in an effort to solve a multi-faceted problem: water, money, jobs, and immigration.
In a series of Tweets on 1 April 2018 from Mar-a-Lago, President Donald J. Trump announced a bold new plan to augment western water supplies, build a border wall, earn money, and provide jobs that WOULD NOT COST AMERICAN TAXPAYERS A SINGLE PESO!
Later, in a press conference at which the press, save for Fox News, was conspicuously absent, the President, with a somnambulant Vice President Mike Pence fawning behind him, Gen. Alberto 'Al' Muerzo, Jr., of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers and expat Okie energy tycoon and serial husband T. Bone Lickens at his side, the President described how he developed his plan.
"I was watching Fox and Friends - boy, those folks are smart, just like Hannity, and the girls are
MUCH HOTTER than FAILING Megyn Kelly - the other morning and they had someone on talking about all the water beneath Mexico and how it had been PUMPED FROM THE USA!!! DISGRACEFUL!!! Just more fake news from CNN or the failing New York Times? Sad. Was going to call President Piñata but figured WHY LET ON WHAT I KNEW!!! ALMOST FORGOT my deal-making skills!""So I called up Ryan Stinke - my pet name for him - he really does stink a lot - but he was out
traveling so I called the Corps of Engineers - I know them from all their Florida water projects. Amazing folks, and they have GENERALS! Then I phoned my good friend T. Bone Lickens - he's an OIL and WATER GUY and a SMART DUDE - and said I needed his help."
At this point Lickens opined that he had never met a visionary like Trump, who understands money ‘even better than my last ex-wife'. He stated that he really liked TRUMP!"
Spokesperson Sarah Huckster-Sanders then introduced the head of the Mexican engineering firm ABRIL-TONTO, Dr. Alberto ‘Al’ Muerzo, Sr., erstwhile dean of the Universidad de Perro Negro’s School of Engineering and Culinary Science. Dr. Muerzo is the designer of the original 'Trump Wall' and father of Gen. Alberto 'Al' Muerzo, Jr.
Trump gloated as he said,
"I got TWO Muerzos for the price of ONE!" Can I DEAL or WHAT? TREMENDOUS! I got TWO FREE LUNCHES!"
The senior Señor Muerzo then explained in perfect English:
"This plan will succeed. We will build a 2000-mile long wall using steel panels that will extend 50 feet above and 100 feet below the land surface, penetrating the water table. The panels will be hollow and perforated below ground. Pumps will extract the groundwater which will be routed into a pipeline. We will then sell the water back to Mexico, use it to fill Lakes Mead and Powell, or sell it directly to Arizona, Nevada, California or Texas. We estimate we can pump 5000 acre-feet per mile for 2000 miles and sell it for $1000 per acre-foot. That is $10B per year. We will pay for the project in a few years."
The President could hardly restrain himself:
"This project WILL PAY FOR ITSELF! It will put THOUSANDS TO WORK on BOTH SIDES OF THE BORDER! The workers will be the Mexican rapists, drug addicts, DACA recipients and criminals who will be put to work in their own country and won't come to the USA. Unemployed US steelworkers will be needed for the panel fabrication. WIN-WIN!!!"
"And what's this about the GULF OF MEXICO?!!? It should be the AMERICAN SEA!!! We'll redo NAFTA!!!!"
The Fox News reporter then asked if there were there any potential stumbling blocks.
Gen. Muerzo replied,
"Yes. The Mexicans spell 'groundwater' as two words, not one: agua subterránea. We think that can be negotiated, or, if not, we can cancel NAFTA."
One more question from the reporter, this directed to Dr. Muerzo:
"Since you are doing this for the USA aren't you working against the interests of your own country? What are you receiving that is so valuable?"
"Green card."
Happy April Fools' Day! ¡Feliz el día de tontos de abril!
[Disclosure notice: this is fake news, but perhaps it's allegorical. Any resemblance between real people and characters in this post is an unintended consequence.]
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