Boulder City, NV: In a surprising April 1 press conference, the U.S. Bureau of Reclamation (USBR) and the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers (USACE) unveiled plans to transform the Lower Colorado River into a massive canal that would provide ocean-going ships access to Las Vegas. General Alberto "Al" Muerzo, P.E., civil works head of the USACE's South Pacific Division, and Mr. Richard "Dick" Cabeza, P.E., Regional Director of the USBR's Lower Colorado Region, met before dozens of reporters and dignitaries to describe the 10-year, $600 billion project, known as the Colorado River Access Project (CRAP).
Mr. Cabeza said "CRAP will indeed transform the southwestern USA and revitalize the Las Vegas economy by providing direct shipping access to the ocean. Yuma and Las Vegas will become deep-water ports. Cruise and container ships will be able to reach Las Vegas and regurgitate their human and other cargo. It's awesome!" Muerzo added that the capstone of the world's largest engineering project will be a lock system that will raise ships above Hoover Dam into Lake Mead, which will be dredged. "I mean, I thought the Corps' FART project (Fix America's River Transportation) to straighten the Mississippi River was something, but this is unreal. Gees, big boats in the desert! Whoa!" he gushed.
"Ships." sighed Cabeza, "They're ships."
Cabeza also noted that many of the ships will transport freshwater to refill Lake Mead, which is several hundred feet below its normal level. 'We need to refill the lake so that we can generate more electricity and supply drinking water to those who need it. We are also working on a pipeline to take the water to Lake Powell, which is 25% full." Cabeza said that the newly-filled lakes will be able to supply water to the Upper Basin and Lower Basin states. "There will be plenty of water for all the basin states, and the tribes as well." When asked who would supply the water for the tankers, Cabeza snapped, 'Mexico'.
Anthony "Tony the Bug" Pizzeria, spokesman for Las Vegas Mayor Carolyn Goodman (unable to attend because of her husband Oscar's grand jury appearance) said Mayor Goodman was "reel entoosiastic." Pizzeria continued: "Dis project will truly make Vegas into a woild-class city. We dunno wadda say. Jus tink - all dem construction workers, sailors, and merchant seamen lookin' for somethin' to do. Already we are startin' to issue brothel permits."
Clark County DA Dewey Cheatham said he was most interested in the Lake Mead dredging, as he expected to be able to solve hundreds of missing persons cases. Cheatham elaborated: "I mean, with all the concrete at the bottom of Lake Mead, we could build another friggin' Hoover Dam! Forget the Meadowlands - I betcha Jimmy Hoffa's down there. Man, I could be on CNN or even CSI!"
The dredging of Lake Mead also pleased Pat 'Da Man' Mulwray, head of the Southern Nevada Aqua Grabbers (SNAG). "It will create more water storage during a time of great need, " she said, "but we still need to fill it with water from the long-overdue GLAD (Great Lakes Aqueduct Diversion) project. Hey, Al, when you guys gonna dig that ditch? I mean, I can't wait all friggin' day for you to get off your butts! Am I going to have wait for the Canadian CRAP or water from Crater Lake? What the..." Her voice faded as she was hustled off the dais.
Clark County Economic Development guru Des Ayuno chimed in: "Las Vegas has always been viewed as having a 'one-trick' - well, maybe two - economy. CRAP will enable us to turn yet another trick, and you know what they say about good things coming in threes. So we won't get screwed again when the economy tanks."
Dubai Ports World, which gained notoriety in its failed attempt to operate ports in six East Coast cities several years ago, will be named operator for the new Port of Las Vegas. Sheikh Ali bin-Dovr, spokesman for DPW, expressed great pride in landing the contract. "My countrymen have been coming to Las Vegas for many years to be serviced. It is now time to return the favor, and we will be honored to service Las Vegas." When asked about DPW's treatment of women, he replied " Hey, no hay problema. We already have plans to introduce casual Fridays, on which some of our secretaries will be permitted to wear colored burkhas - with their husbands' permission, of course."
Bette Yuras, reporter for the Las Vegas Review-Urinal, inquired as to the acquiescence of the Mexican government, since part of the canal would be in Mexican territory. "The what of the Mexican government? Oh. Hey, no hay problema!" replied Muerzo in his best Spanish. "We've already bribed the politicians and the drug cartels, and besides the Mexican engineering firm ABRIL-TONTO will handle the Mexican CRAP," he added. Muerzo went on to say that Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador, has long been a big supporter of CRAP.
Department of Homeland Security spokeswoman Tomasina "Tommie" Gunn hailed the project as an important component of national security. '"There will be thousands of Mexicans working for ABRIL-TONTO on the Mexican side and making good dinero, so they won't try to sneak into the USA," she said. She added that the Mexican portion of the canal will be hand-dug so as to maximize employment and kickbacks to government officials and drug kingpins, which will keep things muy tranquilo.
Reporter Hugh Jeego of the Arizona Cilbuper questioned Cabeza and Muerzo about the wisdom of proposing a huge public-works project in a time of massive deficits, the rebuilding of New Orleans, and the Afghanistan War. They deferred to White House spokeswoman April Foolz, who was quick to respond: "Both President Biden and Vice-President Harris have promoted CRAP to Congress and the American people for over three years, so the time is right. We are confident that CRAP will prevail and that Congress will pass CRAP". Foolz continued: "Furthermore, the project will not cost the taxpayers one thin dime. It will be funded by the interest income from the Social Security trust fund and a surcharge on shale gas. It's a slam dunk!"
Cabeza added that the benefit-cost ratio calculated by Dr. David Shetland, the Meyer Lansky Professor of Creative Economics at UNLV's Department of Economics, was 151.231/1. "Or maybe it was 1/151.231. Dang! I always get that mixed up! But hey, no hay problema, we are in good hands," Shetland noted, "as long as the price is right."
When asked about the benefits to and the effects on the various indigenous peoples who depend upon and live along the river, Muerzo said "Come again? The who? They live where?"
Muerzo mentioned that environmentalists would be mollified by the comprehensive Environmental Impact Statement (EIS), prepared by Nevada State University's Department of FRAC (Food, Resources, Animals & Conservation). The study found that the canal and its construction would not harm any living things, because the Colorado River flows through a desert. "Everyone knows nothing can live in a desert, so you can't harm what isn't there," said the EIS director, Dr. Ima Shill. "I mean, have you been to Yuma in August? I mean, it's so friggin' hot there you can fry burgers on a rock. I'd rather live in New Jersey than spend a day in Yuma during the summer. Have you ever been to New Jersey? Let me tell you..." Upon further questioning, she added: "All we found were some wealthy geezers around Lake Havasu City and some farmers around Yuma. So, no hay problema!" beamed Shill.
A spokesman for Senator Harry Reid, Jr. (D-NV), Ken Frito-Lay, said the Senator would immediately seek Department of Defense authorization to designate Las Vegas an official Navy service port, where all types of naval fleet "servicing" can occur. "Las Vegas has far more to offer the Navy than does San Diego, and besides, it is not nearly as corrupt. It can also begin "servicing" the Navy even before the ships arrive," he said. In another jab at San Diego, Frito-Lay introduced Las Vegas' new motto: "America's Finest City - The Best Money Can Buy!"
Happy April Fools' Day! ¡Feliz el día de tontos de abril!
[Disclosure notice: this is fictitious, but perhaps it's allegorical. Any resemblance between real people and characters in this post is an unintended consequence. See my previous April Fools' Day posts: 1 April 2007; 1 April 2008; and April 2011.]
"In their efforts to provide a sufficiency of water where there was not one, men have resorted to every expedient from prayer to dynamite. The story of their efforts is, on the whole, one of pathos and tragedy, of a few successes and many failures" - Walter Prescott Webb (The Great Plains)
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